Shh… just don’t worry about it.
I’m going to share two “Nathan stories” with you. Both would probably make him mad, because he (and I quote) “hates when I talk about when he was a frickin’ baby.” But the likelihood of him reading this any time soon is slim, so I’ll consider myself safe… for now.
This photo was taken in October 2005 when Nathan was 3.5 years old. He was… how do I put this nicely… a little wild that year. He really liked older women. He still does, incidentally, but Lauren is only one year older. When I say he liked older women, I mean like 20+ years older.
My first story involves Nathan’s first crush: Esther. I could understand why he fell so hard. She was a hot, petite blond. Age was irrelevant to him. We were at church one morning. Esther was wearing a tank top and a denim mini skirt. Oblivious to where he was and who was watching, he ran up to her, grabbed her leg, and licked her inner thigh. She was in shock and he was smitten.
My second story took place during the same time period and involves one of my fellow high school graduates – an even older woman, an even more inappropriate adventure.
Andy and I graduated from the same high school the same year (1995). I somehow managed to get myself in the position of organizing our 10-year reunion. This would usually be a piece of cake for me, since most planning involved a spreadsheet of some sort. But, being early July, we didn’t take hurricanes into consideration. This was probably because hurricane season had not officially started. Official season aside, mother nature decided to throw my OCD self a last-minute curve ball. About five hours before our ball room party at an upscale local resort was scheduled to begin, Destin issued a mandatory evacuation. Praise the Lord. Eighteen months of planning down the toilet.
So, what did we do? After all, over a hundred classmates had come to town for the event. Well, we did the only obvious thing we could do… had a hurricane party, of course. I had originally made plans for my mom to babysit Taylor and Nathan that night. Being that her house is waterfront property, she was no longer available to babysit, as she had to board up all her windows. Hoover dam. Screw it, we thought. We’ll bring the kids to the party. If things are calm, we’ll stay. When it turns into a drunken orgy, we’ll leave. After all, we’re exemplary parents and would never subject our innocent children to public inebriation.
At the hurricane party, Nathan befriended a girl 25 years his senior. We’ll call her Erica, because that’s her name. She thought he was “so cute” and giggled over his attention. Little did she know his raging hormones were about to be displayed.
Nathan took Erica by the hand and led her to the living room. They were the only two people in the room. The lights were off and the memory-filled slideshow I had spent months crafting was playing on the big screen. Nathan sat on the couch and patted it, indicating his desire for Erica to sit beside him. She obliged and he grinned. Then, in what would become one of my proudest mothering moments, he reached out and grabbed her breast. She sat there stunned, unable to speak or move. Before she had a chance to react, he put his finger to her lips and said softly, “Shh… just don’t worry about it.”
These are only two stories from Nathan’s wild years. I could share far worse, but I don’t have the nerve to yet. You’ll have to wait, possibly forever. After all, some stories are best to not be put in writing.
He is a mess! I love him so much!
Holy Crap! I’ve never heard that second story. Jess and I have tears coming down our face. Dang…
I am literally laughing out loud!! I just love that kid!!
I just love the “I’m craving YOU” comment he made to Lauren that day. I still crack up everytime I think about it. He is definately a player! LOL I will have to watch him more closely from now on when he and Lauren are playing! LOL Hilarious!
OK, my curiosity is piqued. What dirt do you have on him that could be “far worse” than THAT!? LOL
Heather, you might have to call me. I seriously don’t think I can write the other stories.
Too funny Lori! I have to say…my son Taylor loves older women as well….
Ahhh….the memories!
He is quite the charmer! What about the one where he pulled me aside at Pastor Eric’s rental and said he needed to tell me something and then whispers in my ear, “I want to love on you!” There’s more…… 
“Shh… just don’t worry about it” — LOL!!! Look out mama, you DO have a wild one on your hands!
That is HILARIOUS!
FAVORITE POST 3 – B’cuz it is so much fun to embarrass our kids!!
Favorite Post 3~ This is such a funny story
WHAT!? Ok. That second one makes this Fave post 2. I never even read this!
Favorite blog post number 1 because it’s funny to read embarrassing stories of kids.
Favorite Post #2…I have so many good stories/memories that I will forever hold onto. To know that I was one of the many “girlfriends” Nathan had in his life is truly an honor! Plus, I have great stories for when he is older!
I jsut read this again and even though I knew the ending I couldn’t help cracking totally up!
I DO dare to tell one more *and my favorite! Of course I will never be able to paint the picture as clearly as Lori though…
It was 4th of July, 2005 in Destin. We were all together eating dinner then heading watch the fireworks. After dinner the joint was very crowded and Nathan was getting a little freaked out being so much shorter than everyone and as his LOVE Esther wasn’t close enough, he chose me to be his security and asked me to hold him. I was happy to obliged and we made through the crowd before the rest of our party. I was wearing a tank top and shorts and holding Nathan on my hip as i was, was creating a lovely veiw of cleavage… Nathan take his finger, touches the top of my chest and says… “I see yers boobs” …. ahhh-ha-haaaaa!