Holiday Eating Tips

Ahh, the holidays. The time when delicious, high-calorie food beckons us to partake. As you feast upon tender vittles at your holiday parties while wishing stretchy pants were the latest fashion craze, let me share with you three things NOT to do.

It was Christmas vacation during my junior year of high school. Some friends and I had enjoyed some herb (note: not basil or oregano) (note again: everyone has a past, some prettier than others). By the time my friend Tami and I got back to my house, we were on a mission to find serious foodage. Christmas always meant one thing in my house: HAM. What was waiting for us in my mother’s refrigerator? An entire platter of sliced honey-baked ham. Hellz yeah. I made up a game entitled “The Typewriter”, which involves cramming one slice of ham after another into your mouth while you rattle your teeth like a typewriter, then make a “ching!” noise after you swallow. GENIUS, no? We polished off the entire platter of ham (note: an entire HAM). Mother dearest was not pleased. Bygones. TIP # 1: DO NOT EAT AN ENTIRE HAM FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

During that same week, my posse and I again enjoyed some herb (note: stop judging me my peeps like that). I got a ride home with my friends Kelly and Jeremy. We pulled into my driveway. They were in the front seat and I was in the back seat. They started making out and my stomach started growling (note: this was not a “cause and effect” situation). I told them I was going to go find a snack, to which they did not respond. I went inside and found a large tin full of my mom’s homemade fudge. SCORE! Clearly not sober, I returned to the back seat of the car. I offered Kelly and Jeremy some fudge, but they declined. I then ate the entire tin of fudge BY MYSELF while I WATCHED THEM MAKE OUT, even though we were in MY driveway and I could have easily walked into my house at any point. Wow, I’m in awe of my amazing choices. TIP # 2: DO NOT EAT AN ENTIRE TIN OF FUDGE FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

Same week, different friends, more herb (note: honestly, not the best diet plan). We went to The Picture Show. For those not familiar with such a thing, a movie theater and a restaurant got married and had a baby, then named it The Picture Show. I was starving, of course. During the 2-hour movie, I consumed not one, but TWO, foot-long subs, both with chips, half of a large pepperoni pizza, and a frozen yogurt. It all tasted AMAZING (note: herb will lead you to believe anything and everything tastes AMAZING). Unfortunately, when we drove home the buzz was long gone. I had to unbutton my pants and recline the seat as to avoid barfing and/or death. This may come as a shock, but it wasn’t really as cool as it sounds. TIP # 3: DO NOT EAT EVERYTHING ON THE MENU FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

And that concludes Lori’s Holiday Eating Tips.